Single Dude’s Guide to the Perfect Steak

Yes, I know the propane barbeque is the pinnacle of mankind’s evolution from pinching a loaf in a dark cave to master ozone trashing carnivore, but sooner or later you’re going run out of fuel so here’s how to use that electric stove for something other than frozen pizza:

1. Place cast-iron skillet on stove. Cast iron is the perfect material for bachelor cooking because a  cast-iron pan sitting on the stove filled with half congealed half rancid fat and charred chunks of bacon is referred to as “seasoned”. An aluminum pan sitting on the stove filled with half congealed half rancid fat and charred chunks of bacon is referred to as “my roomate’s problem”.
2. Preheat pan on medium-high until a single drop of water skittles around the pan faster than that chick at the bar when you used your best “it puts the lotion in the basket” line.
3. Place the steak in the center of the pan. You did remove all the plastic wrap and what-nots, even that bloody sponge thingie under it?
4. Remove fresh beer from fridge and return to watching Sportscenter.
5. When smoke detector begins to sound, flip steak.
6. Get ladder.
7. Remove batteries from smoke detector.
8. Remove steak from pan, place onto plate under a small dome of tin-foil.
9. Get another beer.
10. When that beer’s done, so is the steak.

For medium-well, wait 30 seconds after smoke alarm sounds before flipping steak. The noise can be extremely annoying and that is the reason restaurants seem to be pissed when you order one medium to well done. It also may extend the cooking time from two beers to three. This may be why so many cooks look like burned out rock stars and post-rehab crackheads.

For a well-done steak, begin with the batteries already removed from the smoke detector. Flip steak when the fire truck arrives.

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